That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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