last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
