i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
