I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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