Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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