now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
