it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
