hotel room ftw
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
