Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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