I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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