the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
