Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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