Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
