Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
