he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
