This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
