If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
