Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
