i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
