Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
