"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
