Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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