youre lurking in front of me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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