Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
