If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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