I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
