I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
