he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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