Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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