Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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