3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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