just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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