I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
