Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
