u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
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buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
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It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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