Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
