And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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