Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
