Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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