That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
