If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
