i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
