I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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