Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
