I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
