I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
