she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
