P.S. I can't hear my feet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
