They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hippo gnu deer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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