the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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