I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
