he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
