I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
