ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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