What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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